


Sweet Dreams Are Made of These

by Lady_Elizabeth4242



Category: One Piece
Genre: Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Insecurity, Mental Health Issues, Mugiwara no Ichimi | Straw Hat Pirates, POV Vinsmoke Sanji, Past Abuse, Slice of Life, Vinsmoke Sanji-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:48:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26724658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Elizabeth4242/pseuds/Lady_Elizabeth4242
Summary: Sanji adjusts to life with his new crew after Arlong Park while dealing with insecurities from his past.An exploration of the kind of insecurities and underlying mental health issues someone with his background would likely have. Straw Hat slice of life.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 114





	Sweet Dreams Are Made of These

**Author's Note:**

> This story is set between Arlong Park and Loguetown for the most part so it doesn't have any explicit spoilers for the rest of the series, but it will make WAY more sense if you are familiar with the Whole Cake Island arc. There are only a couple of vague references (no plot spoilers), but his mental state is written with that arc in mind.

He’d been at sea a week when the dreams started. Sanji had dreamt like this before, but these days usually only once every couple of months. It had been bad in the beginning when they were fresh off the island and building the restaurant. Sanji had learned to work himself to exhaustion if he didn’t want to wake up sobbing. It got easier as time went on, but he found himself getting anxious if he wasn’t being productive. He told himself he just liked being useful. It had nothing to do with the need to feel needed— wanted— by those around him. Absolutely not. 

_Failure. Waste of space. Garbage. Worthless. Failure._

It had been hard to have second thoughts about leaving the restaurant and the old man. There hadn’t been time for second guessing. They’d gone to meet up with the rest of the crew, whom he’d barely met before, and had landed in the middle of a brawl with the fishmen. These guys had the highest bounties in the East Blue and Sanji didn’t know anyone involved that well. But he heard Nami’s story and his heart broke for her. Nobody that beautiful should be in that much pain. Sanji appreciated how none of the others had hesitated for a moment. His new captain hadn’t even bothered to listen to the story. He’d already known what he was going to do. Hard to have second thoughts when the others all seemed to be on the same page without deliberation. 

The only fly in the soup was the swordsman. He irritated Sanji immediately. It was hard to pinpoint exactly what about him rubbed Sanji the wrong way, but somehow everything he said or did made Sanji want to snarl. The feeling seemed to be mutual. It gave him a spark of worry that he buried as hard as he could. Nami told him Zoro had been the first to join the crew. He and Luffy did seem to share one mind to an unhealthy degree. Their bond was obvious, but Sanji was the one feeding Luffy and that had to count for something. Luffy was close to the others as well. It wasn’t like he played favourites. 

If Sanji found himself glancing at Luffy out of the corner of his eye when he fought with the stupid swordsman that was only logical. It made sense to make sure you weren’t pissing off the captain of a pirate ship by fighting his right-hand man. It had nothing to do with being concerned about being passed over, the less valued team member, the less useful soldier. Luffy always seemed to ignore their arguments or he laughed at them both. The spark of worry never grew, but it didn’t go away either. 

_Garbage. Waste of space. Failure. Worthless. Hopeless. Pointless._

Still, as he settled into ship life he seemed to fit. They gave him free rein to set up his kitchen however he wanted. They didn’t seem to have any desire to request a specific menu aside from “lots and lots of meat,” so he was able to experiment if he wanted. The crew complimented his cooking at every meal (even the stupid swordsman grunted appreciatively occasionally). They liked his food. He knew that wasn’t the same as liking him, but aside from the swordsman he hadn’t had any problems. They’d bonded as they took down the fishmen. Sanji had never had real friends before, just coworkers who tolerated him underfoot or who competed with his cooking. But the antics on board were light-hearted and Sanji felt himself relaxing a little. As long as they liked his food, he could convince them to let him stay. He was useful. He was needed. 

_Worthless. Pointless. Failure. Dumbass kid. Good for nothing._

It was his second meal with the full crew when he caught himself eying their plates to see what they’d left. Sanji couldn’t bear wasted food. It helped they were all good eaters. Luffy would steal your food in a heartbeat if you didn’t eat quickly enough. That drove Sanji crazy for an entirely different reason. He’d smacked his captain full in the face before he’d even realized he was doing it. His heart about beat out of his chest with adrenaline when he realized what he’d done, but he didn’t back down. 

On this he was immoveable. 

He was relieved when Luffy had humbly apologized and taken his lecture without insult. Naturally, Luffy would try again almost immediately. Still, he seemed unfazed by Sanji’s assault. Having a captain that was about his own age and just setting out himself really helped. Luffy wasn’t such a self-important person that he couldn’t take a lesson to heart when it mattered to his crewmate. He might be an emperor or a king someday, but today he would take his scolding. 

The others had accepted his rule about not wasting food as well. Sanji had felt a twinge of unease when he declared it. He hadn’t tried to make any rules before and had no idea how they’d react. Luffy couldn’t help eating everything in front of him (and then some), so he hardly needed encouraging. Nami pronounced it a practical policy and a waste of money to waste supplies. The others had just shrugged and agreed it was logical. Sanji had been so grateful to her for backing him up he could have kissed her. He showed his gratitude by not trying to. 

The dream that night caught him off guard. It started with the island this time. It didn’t always. 

_The rock was hard under him. There was nothing soft on this island and every part of him hurt. All he could think about was food. Food and ships. He needed a ship. He tried to stand up, to go to Zeff, but his body was too weak to move. His legs failed him. He felt a surge of hope when a ship appeared. He was alone on his side of the island this time. The old man didn’t know. He wouldn’t see. The ship was sailing closer now. He tried to yell. Tried to wave his arms and get its attention. He couldn’t make a sound. His body felt frozen. The ship was close enough now for him to see on deck. It was full of people in fancy clothes, sitting down to dinner. Roast beef, fresh baked bread rolls. Sanji could smell it. They had mounds of food in front of them and they were just ignoring it. They kept talking and laughing, oblivious to Sanji’s cries and the food they were wasting. Slowly, the ship sailed away. He could still smell their dinner._

Sanji woke up disoriented. The ship was bobbing in some aggressive waves and his hammock was swinging around. The room did not smell like dinner. It smelled like three sleeping people, one of which had not bathed after weightlifting. He took several deep breaths. It helped ground him in this dark room, but it didn’t ease the gnawing feeling in his gut or the electricity in his veins. 

Sanji gave up and went outside for a smoke. Cigarettes suppress hunger, which is part of the reason he started smoking in the first place. Sanji tapped out a smoke and lit up. He stared at the sky and tried to guess the time. It had to be in the early morning hours. The moon was close to setting. It was windy, which was picking up the waves. It made his smoke flare unexpectedly. 

Usopp’s boots made a dull thumping sound across the deck as he approached. Sanji wasn’t often given night watch duty because he had to get up to make breakfast. Nami made the schedule. Sanji hadn’t asked to be excused from a duty everyone else shared, but it was logical and no one seemed put out by it. 

“Does your need to smoke wake you up?” Usopp drawled without preamble. 

Sanji felt his lips quirk into a smile. Usopp was endlessly curious about how and why other people lived the way they did. He’d grown up in such a little village that everything intrigued him. Well, intrigued or frightened him. But he was braving that fear in order to learn new things and find his answers. Sanji was coming to admire his resolve. 

“Sometimes,” Sanji said. “Sometimes I just like a bit of fresh air.” 

Usopp snorted. “I’m not sure smoke counts as fresh air, but it’s different than the air in the cabin I’ll grant you.” 

Sanji just smiled wider. “Windy tonight,” he commented in general. 

“Yeah, it’s making the waves a little intense. Did I ever tell you about the time I went surfing at the South Pole?” Sanji shook his head and Usopp launched into a preposterous story about beating penguins in a surfing contest (the penguins used ice and cheated, so he won on a technicality). Sanji sucked in his smoke and let the words wash over him. Slowly his shoulders relaxed and he found himself grinning at Usopp’s exuberance. 

“—Anyhow, the waves tonight keep making me think I’m going to get tossed right off the deck! I keep picturing being thrown overboard and floating away while all of you are sleeping—” 

“Hmm, perhaps you ought to tie into a safety line,” Sanji mused before Usopp could go too far in his imaginings.

“That’s a good idea! Sanji, you always have such good ideas. Why didn’t I think of that?” Usopp grumbled as he went off to find a rope.

Sanji stubbed out his cigarette. The knots in his stomach had eased, but he was still far too wired for sleep. He went to the kitchen instead. He used to do this ritual in the restaurant sometimes when the dreams got too intense. He would go to the pantry and count the supplies. 

First, what did they have? How much of each item?  
Next, he would begin the math. How long could he last on what was there? How long would everyone last? 

It had been easier in the restaurant because they bought in bulk. He just imagined the supplies without factoring in customers and suddenly there was an abundance. The numbers would comfort him and sometimes he was able to sleep after. He was pretty sure Zeff knew about this ritual. He’d caught him once. Sanji had said he was reorganizing the pantry and the old man had let it go. Sanji was pretty sure he knew the real reason, but the old man knew better than to pry. He had rituals of his own. 

The numbers were less comforting on a small ship. They were well stocked. They weren’t far from other islands and they could fish. But the crew did eat a lot… Sanji counted again. 

Dawn began to light up the room as Sanji started his count for the third time. He might as well begin breakfast when he was done. 

_Weak. Soft. Waste of time. Failure. Garbage._

Sanji stared at the mess in the pan with growing horror. He’d only stepped away from the stove for a moment to grab an ingredient from the pantry. He’d paused in front of the spice rack to consider if he should add something more. Maybe he’d zoned out… he had caught himself staring blankly at a bottle. Maybe it had been more than a moment… 

Sanji rubbed his eyes. Last night’s lack of sleep was catching up to him. He’d made it through breakfast and lunch by drinking coffee, but if he wanted to sleep tonight he had to stop. 

But now…but now. The fried rice dish was decidedly burned. It wasn’t inedible, but there was no way someone eating it would miss the charred chunks. There were too many even to pick out. The logical thing to do would be to toss this out and start again. He had time. The others wouldn’t expect dinner for another half hour. There were things he could whip together in that time. They didn’t have to eat this. They never had to know. 

Sanji just stared at the pan blankly. All he had to do to hide this was toss the evidence away. All he had to do was throw away this food and make something else. His arm didn’t move. 

He couldn’t serve them this. There was no way. 

But the thought of throwing away food, even somewhat ruined food, made his stomach twist. 

Sanji choked and still his arm didn’t move. The clock on the wall kept ticking. If he was going to make something else, he needed to get moving. But he couldn’t. He just couldn’t.  
The door squeaked to announce someone’s entrance. Sanji desperately wanted to look busy and normal, but he still couldn’t move. Sanji had his back to the room so he couldn’t see who it was. His stomach flipped over again. 

“What are you gawking at, cook?” Of fucking course, it was the mosshead. The last person Sanji wanted to talk to. 

If Sanji felt the swordsman’s body warmth as he leaned over his shoulder it was probably because he was radiating heat after his workout. It was not because Sanji had grown strangely numb standing here. He fought the urge to curve closer to that warmth. The man was invading his space, not trying to cuddle him. 

It took him a second to realize Mosshead hadn’t said anything more. He clearly could see the pan. The burned bits were obvious. There went any plan of hiding his crime. There was no way the swordsman would let this go. He would mock Sanji’s skills to the rest of the crew. Would the others laugh at him too, or would they just be irritated at the delay to their dinner? 

Sanji clenched his jaw and waited for the comments. He would put this aside and have it for his own dinner. The others could have something fresh. They didn’t need to eat his mistakes. 

The swordsman still hadn’t moved or spoken. Sanji finally jerked his head so he could meet his derision head on. But Zoro wasn’t laughing, mockingly or otherwise. He was frowning. Not at the food, but at Sanji. His eyes searched Sanji’s expression, though for what he had no idea. 

Finally, he eased the pan out of Sanji grip. It took a second. Sanji had no idea he was holding that tightly until the mosshead had to pry his fingers off. Without a word, Zoro dished the food onto dinner plates for the crew. He set the table and grabbed condiments. 

Sanji still hadn’t moved. His body felt cold, but it was like he was thawing. He swallowed hard. He had to say something. Zoro still hadn’t spoken. 

“You… you don’t have to…” The words came out as a croak. Sanji blinked hard, the lamp light in the room blurring strangely. 

Zoro shrugged. “Food is food. It’ll be fine, cook.” 

Before Sanji knew what he was doing, the swordsman had grabbed him by the elbow and steered him into a seat at the table. Sanji became aware of the tension in his shoulders only when his muscles began to ache from it. The swordsman was calling the others to dinner. Sanji suddenly wanted a cigarette, wanted to step outside and be anywhere besides here. He was clenching his jaw again. 

Sanji faced resolutely towards the door. He would take their reactions, whatever they were. He could handle being mocked. He could handle anger or blows. _Failure… so worthless..._ a voice in his mind whispered, an echo from his past. 

Usopp and Luffy came in together, laughing about something. Usopp’s smile slipped at the tension in the room. Luffy continued chatting, oblivious, as Usopp’s eyes darted from Sanji’s set expression to Zoro's stony one. He eased into his seat, still glancing between them. 

Luffy began shoveling food into his mouth. He was still talking despite his full mouth, although it was harder to understand him now. Sanji couldn’t take in a word. Zoro began eating. Sanji watched them without moving towards his own plate. Zoro didn’t look at him. He just mechanically ate spoonful after spoonful. Usopp seemed to take his cue and began eating as well. 

“We’re not waiting for you!” Zoro suddenly yelled at the open door, making Sanji jump. He gingerly picked up his own spoon. 

“Wellllll excuuuuuse me for wanting us to stay on course!” Nami’s voice called back. “There better be food when I get there, asshole!”

Usopp moved her plate further away from Luffy pointedly, but Nami joined them a minute later anyway. Her eyebrows went up at the sight of her meal. She glanced around at the others eating without comment. It felt like an eternity before her eyes landed on Sanji. He met her gaze as squarely as he could and waited for her verdict. 

The concern in her face cut him deeper than anything else she could have said. She reached over to lay one cool hand over his and gently squeezed. Sanji caught Usopp watching their exchange with concern of his own. Sanji’s eyes blurred, but the moment passed. Nami took her hand back and began eating. Usopp went back to his meal. Zoro was almost finished now. 

“Damn, that was good,” Luffy declared. He was licking his plate like a barbarian. “I really liked the crunchy bits. Is there more Sanji?” 

“Not of this, no,” Sanji somehow found his voice. “I can make you something else after if you want.” 

Luffy shrugged. “Meh, another time maybe. I just wanted more if there was some. I’m gonna go check the helm!” 

“Don’t mess with it!” Nami yelled after him as he scampered away. 

Zoro gathered Luffy’s empty plate along with his own and took them to the sink. Sanji glanced around the table and suddenly realized that his own plate was the only one with food still on it. Even Nami had devoured her portion, burned bits and all. 

“Gotta finish up before Luffy comes back or you’ll lose that,” Usopp urged him with a false casualness, gesturing at his plate. 

“Yeah, can’t leave food. The chef can’t be the one to break his own rule,” Nami added. Her teasing tone had an uncommon gentleness to it. Sanji smiled weakly as he picked up another spoonful. Maybe they did like him after all. 

He didn’t dream that night, but the night after made up for the lull. 

_He was drowning. The water was so cold, and he was sinking fast. In real life his vision had gone dark, but this time he could see everything as clear as crystal. He was choking on salt water and panic filled him._  
No, no, please. I need to breathe.  
_But then he saw the old man swimming towards him. He reached desperately for him._  
Please, please.  
_Zeff stopped just out of reach. He stared at Sanji as though measuring his soul. Then his expression turned distasteful. Sanji was sinking further away, but he kicked his legs desperately._  
Please, please...  
_His legs never failed him, but they were so cold now. He couldn’t feel if they were kicking the way he thought they should be. Sanji reached for him, but Zeff just stared at his hand with disinterest. He turned and swam away. Sanji let his arm fall. He sank into the blackness, his lungs burning. Hopeless, worthless._

Sanji woke choking. He lay there gasping for a minute. It took him a second to realize the salt he could still taste was from the tears that had collected on his face and run into his mouth. His legs were tangled in his sweat-soaked bedding. As soon as he was free, he headed towards the hatch. The cool air helped, but his fingers still trembled as he lit up a smoke on deck. 

He eyed the stars. They were beautiful tonight. There were some clouds, but it was mostly clear. Slow, deep breaths. The prettiness of the stars was grounding in its own way. Beauty existed in the world and he was alive to see it.

“Sanji?” Nami’s voice made him jump. Right, night watch duty. 

“Nice stars tonight,” Sanji said by way of reply. He was pleased his voice came out casual and even. He hated for others to see him after a dream. He knew how weak he was. There was no need for everyone else to know as well. 

“Yeah, the weather’s holding. We should make it to Loguetown in a few days at this rate. Maybe sooner if the wind shifts in our favour.” Sanji couldn’t make out her expression in the dark, but he imagined it was pleased. 

Sanji took another drag on his smoke. “That’s good. Our supplies will last at least that long. I’d hate to have to rely on Luffy’s fishing skills.”

Nami laughed. “One day they’ll get the hang of it. Just to be safe, I’d better check our heading again. Goodnight Sanji-kun.” 

He finished his cigarette as she strolled away, a shadow on deck. That was the first time she’d called him that. His heart felt lighter. He’d planned on going to the kitchen. Organizing. Counting. Meal planning. Meal prepping. Something busy and useful at any rate. He hesitated. 

He went back to bed instead. 

The night after Loguetown Sanji dreamed again. The storm tossed their little ship and he slept fitfully. This time he could only remember snippets. 

_The metal mask clicked as it locked around his face._

_Reaching desperately between the bars, into the dark. The sound of footsteps growing fainter as he’s abandoned._ Please, don’t leave me here! I don’t want to die here! _The footsteps never even pause._

_The high pitched, cruel laughter of children. Blows that come from all sides. He can’t see them coming as he’s thrown to the ground again and again.  
Failure! Garbage! Worthless! Failure!_

Sanji gave up on sleep and headed out on deck. The weather had been wild tonight and it made the deck roll beneath his feet. But his legs were steady this time and he felt sure-footed as he made his way to the front of the ship. Luffy’s hat gleamed in the dim light like a beacon. 

“We’ll be there soon,” Luffy said. He peered into the stormy night as though he could will them to reach the Grand Line faster. Maybe he could. Sanji had seen his willpower in action after all and he was learning not to doubt his captain. 

“Reverse Mountain. The Grand Line,” Sanji said. His fingers were itching for a smoke. 

“Adventure! Fun!” Luffy grinned over his shoulder at Sanji and he couldn’t help but grin back. The memory of the dream intruded into his thoughts, however, and his smiled slipped away. 

“Luffy, do you ever worry that you might not be good enough?” Sanji turned to stare at the sea as well. “You say you’re going to be the king of the pirates. It’s not that I don’t believe you, but that’s a tall order. Do you ever wonder what would happen if it turns out to be just too hard?” 

Sanji risked a glance at him from the corner of his eye. Luffy was staring at Sanji with his head tilted to one side. 

“If I’m not strong enough at first, I’ll just keep getting stronger until I am,” Luffy said firmly. “We’re just starting out now and I’m sure it will be challenging. But as long as we keep trying and working hard, we’ll achieve our dreams eventually.” 

“But do you ever worry?” Sanji couldn’t let it go. 

“No,” Luffy shrugged. “I believe in my friends. I couldn’t do this by myself, but with the right people beside me I know I can.”

“And what if I’m not the right person?”

_Weak, worthless, failure._

Luffy gripped his shoulder, tight enough to hurt. “You are! I wouldn’t have asked you to join my crew if you weren’t right for it. Sanji, you’re the best chef a pirate ship could ask for. You’re awesome. I’m really glad you joined us. We’d probably have starved by now without you! Or gotten…what did Nami call it…scooby…schooly…scurvy… Well one of those!” 

Luffy laughed, his carefree joy was punctuated by a rumble of thunder. “What’s gotten you all worked up anyway? Nami said you were upset about dinner the other night, but I couldn’t figure out why.” 

Sanji exhaled slowly. “No reason, just a lot of thoughts tonight. We’re almost there after all.” 

Luffy grinned. “I can’t wait! It’s gonna be so awesome! Sanji, we’re going to have so many cool adventures. You’ll see!” 

Sanji couldn’t help but smile back. “I look forward to it, Captain. Now…I think I’m going to head back to bed, unless you need help out here.” 

“Naw, we’re good.” Luffy turned to peer into the storm again. Sanji shook his head but left him to it. He was halfway across deck when he heard it. The storm almost swallowed the words. 

“Sweet dreams, Sanji!” 

Maybe soon they would be.

**Author's Note:**

> And that concludes the first fanfic I've posted in over ten years. Yay!


End file.
